The Herps!

November 21, 2012: My poor new co-workers are not yet accustomed to my random bouts of Asshole Tourette's. No, I don't have herpes, I am just sensitive to boldly-scented laundry soaps. He's still looking at me wonky though, like he doesn't *quite* believe me. Meh. I wouldn't either I guess. It's Maury Povich's world, I'm just living in it.

All The Things.

Thursday, August 30, 2012: I swear if one more person says YOLO to me...I'm callin' ladies choice: carrot peeler or melon baller.

Sexy Babies

October 31, 2011: In today's episode of "Yes, she really said that!" Behold! Asshold Tourettes is a serious medical condition. It presents itself at the most inopportune times, and make you say things that sound like a pickup line Todd from Scrubs would use. To clarify, no, I do not find babies attractive. Note for next date Canfield: Leave the funny at home, just remember to wear pants.

Baby Assault

October 26, 2011: Alternate title should probably read: Reasons I am a heinous B and will probably die alone, Wednesday edition.

Angie? Is That You?

October 11, 2011: Stirrup pants lady's barely concealed, horrified reactions to the pretend comments I make to my customers while I have my mic muted are the reason why it is sometimes bearable to be at work at 4am. Thank you stirrup pants lady for believing in my audacity. Thank you.

Party Kitten.

December 31, 2010: One of my first attempts at the Adobe paint program on the ol iPad. Peenster wishes you a safe and radical NYE! Do not follow her example!

Thank The Lord For That Thing Called Break-Ups.

November 27, 2010: S*$% just got real. I don't know which appalls me more, the fact that he rolls up his slacks and wears long socks, or that he wants to dress like a man from the 17th century. I draw the line at white powder makeup and curly white-wig updo's, XTREME. Just sayin.

Neckne.

July 19, 2010: My new nickname from this day forth shall be: Neckne. And so it was written, so it always shall be. Amen.

Weinerdog.

July 18, 2010: Sharing the sense of humor of a 5 year old is one of the many reasons we get along so well. That and "You know what sounds really good right now? A Dilly Bar and a beer."

Yeah. How about no.

June 22, 2010: Walking out of the library is dangerous. REAL TALK.

Big Trouble In Little China

May 27, 2010: It's not even the cool Tourette's like back in the day on Maury Povich, it's the asshole kind that ends up with you never getting asked out on a date ever again.

Reverse Racism. Cause yeah. That's even a thing.

April 19, 2010: I seriously wish I was making this crap up.

Are you shitting me with this shit?!

April 12, 2010: Yeah, that just happened. And they say you'll get the same education at a community college...

Love Is Love, dammit!

March 22, 2010: It is what it is.

Pop John

February 12, 2010: I be up in my room, just-a workin' on my fitness, he's my witness (pop john), I put your boy on rock rock, and he be lining down the block just to watch what I got.

JAMZ!

January 15, 2010: Ian schools me in 80's fashion terminology. You have the queer eye, my friend.

Iron Chef Beaverton.

January 08, 2010: IRON CHEF BEAVERTON! Sam poses a very deep question: If a Mexican makes your Chinese food at a Chinese food restaurant, is it still Chinese food? Heavy, man.

Un-'Merican.

January 06, 2010: I don't want your meat.

Efffffffff...

NYE 2009: *Caddyshack Theme Song*

Happy Birthday, Scumbag!

December 1, 2009: Birthday Eve.

Jon and Kate whaaaa?

November 24, 2009: And frankly, neither should you.

Forrow Your Dreams!

November 09, 2009: Follow your dreams!

On the reals, dog. I mean cat.

November 06, 2009: Money doesn't grow on trees.

Mortal Kombat

November 1, 2009: Mortal Kombat.

Tool Time

October 22, 2009: Tool Time

October 14, 2009: "If you see me as your brother, that's what I'll be. It all depends on how much love you have. I am you, and when you can admit that, you will be free. I am just a mirror." - Ol' Charlie boy

Helter Skelter Existentialism, AKA Community College.

October 8, 2009: Helter Skelter Existentialism.

Samuel Kitten

October 4, 2009: An ode to my brother.

Oh, Coraline.

September 19, 2009: What is appropriate for the under-age-8 set? Definitely not pasties.

Caviar and Cristal

September 17, 2009: From now on it's Caviar and Cristal.

Car Warz

September 17, 2009: Car Warz. (Hahaha John Brown, King of the 'Burbs foh evah!)

Seriously ya'll. Drink responsibly.

Pinot's A Dick.

Straight Outta Compton

I swear every damn time I go out into the woods, or into nature....wait, ok pretty much just out of my apartment in general, I am convinced I will happen upon a dead body.

My gosh I was so damn emo in 2010...

I'mma, I'mma, I'mma answer your question...

Shrimp With Bangz, Yo